Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
