I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
