if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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