I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
