why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
