I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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