i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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