I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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