my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
