Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
