i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
