I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
