Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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