He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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