so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
