He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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