I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
