it hurts more in the daytime
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
