so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
