I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dear god my vagina.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
