jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
