I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
