i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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