Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize