You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
