I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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