if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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