I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
