I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
