Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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