shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm at about main and main street
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
