You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
