i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
