exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
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