I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
