I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize