I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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