Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
we're so committed to being not committed
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
