my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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