I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
