2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize