be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
