fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
