Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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