Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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