He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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