He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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