i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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