life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
