Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
