the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
