I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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