the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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