Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
