Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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